Mean Wolves - Chapter 21

The DJ announced that this was going to be the last song of the night. While the current song was slowly fading out, he proceeded by explaining his song choice…the memories he and other whole generations of teenagers connected with it and how the students that had nearly made it to the end of the night – as far as the party in the gym hall went – should really make it count. Of course, this wasn’t going to be the end of it all. Already now groups had been forming that were determined to keep the night going at some other place. Some would prefer somewhere private…a small get together at someone’s house whose parents weren’t home. Others would want to try and sneak their way into a night club. People had already been drinking in the parking lot behind the school. The trunks of their cars were filled with cans of beer and cap ‘n coke. Enough fuel to make this night last forever. Or at least make it seem as though.  

Chandley never got a chance to dance after they had deliberately missed the opening dance. Sure, they had decided in unison that it just wasn’t their thing. But watching the couples slowly swaying to the music in the dim light, Chandley couldn’t help but long for just one chance to be in the same place as the boy who shyly let his hands run down the girl’s body or the girl who let it happen, softly resting her chin on his shoulder or her forehead against his. It was a very innocent kind of intimacy, yet so much more important than anything that might or mightn’t follow after. Later, once they got home…or into the bathroom stall. A lot of them didn’t care anymore, really. But even these innocent gestures of affection, skin grazing skin, briefly, electrifying, were a foreign concept to Chandley. That one moment of his fingers intertwined with Matt’s aside, he’d never actually experienced any of these things before. And he also still didn’t know what to make out of it. How much he could read into Matt not having pulled back when he probably should have. If it meant anything at all. Probably not. But he just couldn’t get his mind to focus on anything else. Alcohol would’ve helped a great deal with that, but with the costume party disaster in mind, he really didn’t want his first prom to end the same way. As a conclusion he had staid away from the bittersweet temptation of the fast and easy relief that intoxication would’ve brought to him for most of the night. He was standing pretty much alone with it, though. But at least he was standing. Some people weren’t. Aching feet and wobbly knees had tied them back to their seats.

Matt, however, had had quite a few drops. And so did Hollie. Not too much, really. Matt was just a tad more open and talkative whereas Hollie was super flirty and giggly. It had been enough to infect Chandley and it turned out that he didn’t need any alcohol to dance with Hollie or stand close enough to Matt that their arms would sometimes ‘accidentally’ brush.

Now Chandley could watch Hollie dragging Lou on the dance floor for the last song. He found himself looking for Matt somewhere in the dark corners that weren’t covered by the colourful lighting. He wasn’t there and Chandley closed his eyes, trying hard not to be disappointed. Who said it was impossible for him to enjoy the last song just sitting here all by himself? He had enjoyed everything else about this night so far. Of course, he hadn’t been alone for most of the time. And he wasn’t going to be alone for long now either.

“You alright?” Chandley was startled by the voice and his heartbeat wouldn’t settle down once he had recognized that it had been Matt, now sitting down right beside him. Close enough to touch.

Chandley smiled. It was a careful, but honest smile. You could see that he had put a lot of thought into this one simple gesture. He had a tendency to do that. Putting too much thought into trivial things. “It’s all good…I had a great time” He hesitated. Not long enough for Matt to notice. “Thank you for taking me here” He didn’t feel like he had chosen the right words to express his gratitude. The right words. Did they even exist? A simple thank you seemed too little. Anything else would’ve been over the top. It was just a prom, for God’s sake. But from what Chandley’s experience had taught him, Matt had risked his reputation by pretending to be his date. Not really pretending. It wasn’t like they had told anyone else about it. But they had come here together, they had spent most of the time together, Matt had fetched drinks for Chandley and on their way into the hall…they had been holding hands. Those were some pretty damn justified rumours that would spread like wildfire all across the school. He wasn’t just thankful for being here. He was thankful for Matt taking all of that in without a comment. But then again…he wanted Matt to say something. Tell him that he should back off. That he was ruining everything. That he didn’t want to be seen with someone like him. That all this time he’d just been polite for Hollie’s sake. That he’d finally had enough. Anything that would’ve let Chandley know where he stood.

He was doing it again. Thinking too much. “I’m sorry I almost got you to dance that waltz” He said quickly, brushing all his thoughts off with one short laughter.
“Don’t worry about it” Matt laughed, but got oddly serious again. “I thought you couldn’t waltz anyway”
Chandley shrugged. It wasn’t a careless shrug. He just didn’t know what else to do. “Well, I can’t”

“Did you want to dance?” It was a genuine question and Chandley was kind of taken aback by it. He was supposed to answer honestly to an honest question, wasn’t he? Matt wouldn’t let him, though. “I mean, I was just worried about your feet, really” They both laughed.

“It would’ve been nice, I guess” Chandley suddenly found himself admitting. Now that he had said it out loud, he couldn’t imagine why he’d ever been afraid of saying it. Just as he had worried too much about all that coming out stuff when it had turned out to be so easy in the end. “But you’re right, it would’ve been stupid and possibly dangerous for us and everyone else around us” The image of all the students falling on top of each other like dominoes immediately crossed his mind and made him giggle.

Once again his eyes were scanning the dance floor. A tad too long, because this time Matt actually noticed the longing stare. Even when Chandley wasn’t fully aware of it himself.
“Slow dancing isn’t that hard, I suppose”
“I guess…but I wouldn’t know”

Silence. Then, finally, the DJ had finished laying down what felt like his whole life in front of them and the song they’d all been waiting for started. It was some sort of soft rock. Chandley assumed it to be from the 90s. Not your typical slow dance song. But somehow it worked.

“He made a pretty big deal out of this last song…I guess my expectations were too high” Chandley concluded his own thoughts out loud.
“It’s the last song?” Matt repeated, because even after the DJ’s detailed speech, this was apparently news to him.
Chandley nodded, remembered that it was probably too dark for Matt to see and answered with a simple “Yes”

Sober Matt never ever would’ve done what he was about to do now. Tipsy Matt might have considered it only to drop it once he would have remembered that he was about to make a fool out of himself. But drunken Matt…oh, drunken Matt blindly sang Karaoke with Alec on stage in front of half of the football team. Drunken Matt was capable of a lot of unexpected things when the right buttons were pushed. Only that Chandley wasn’t aware of having pushed any buttons. Now, drunken Matt was crazy enough to rise from his seat and kind of wait for Chandley to do the same.

“Are we leaving?” Chandley asked, completely unaware of Matt’s actual intention.
Matt shook his head in return, but he didn’t clarify his answer any further, so Chandley didn’t know what else to do but to follow. He froze as he watched Matt heading to the dance floor. He wanted to object. He wanted it so badly, but part of him also wanted to let it happen, in order to maybe then be able to make more sense out of everything. Although he knew in the back of his head that it was just going to get more confusing.
He could barely bring himself to get on the dance floor and briefly closed his eyes as he felt Matt immediately reaching out for him. This was different from accidental brushing of skin. This was a well intended discovery of skin by using soft hands to run over each others bodies. The hands stopped at Chandley’s hips and drew him closer. Sudden and forceful.

It was everything he should have dreamt of, but hadn’t dared to do so. In fear that it would never ever come true. And what use was a dream with not even the slightest hope of ever coming close to being achieved in any way? Yet, he somehow found the nerves to place his hands on Matt’s chest, resting there because he was surprised at how soft and warm it felt, debating to leave them there, feeling Matt’s heartbeat right underneath his palms…it was racing just as fast as his own. But instead he used them to push Matt away. Far enough to properly look up into his eyes.

“Matt…” He said loud enough to drown out the music for a second. Matt didn’t understand. He didn’t have to, because Chandley explained. “This is stupid” He clearly lacked the words to express his frustration about his own feelings. “You don’t have to do any of this. I don’t want to drag you down with me. People are going to see and they are going to talk. They always do and I don’t want you to suffer from it” Like Landon did, he thought, but never got a chance to say it out loud, because now Matt let go of his hips and held him firmly by the shoulders.

“Chandley” He interrupted. Now it was his time to be frustrated and he was so much better at expressing it. Even just looking at him, towering over Chandley with broad shoulders and wrinkles between his eyes Chandley felt himself getting smaller and smaller. “This is not about what everyone else could be thinking” He sighed in exasperation. “Frankly…I don’t give a shit if they think that I am gay or if they think I’m a serial killer. Not that I would put those two things on the same level"

Chandley couldn’t help but chuckle at this unnecessary clarification. If only for a second. He didn’t ask what in the world the problem was then. Though, the way his head was slightly tilting upwards, his eyes looking to meet Matt’s, his question didn’t need to be expressed with words.

But Matt wouldn’t say that the real problem was the fact that ever since New Year’s Eve Chandley had constantly been part of his every day thoughts. That he had always considered himself to be 100% straight until one day he had woken up only to find that he just couldn’t stop thinking about Chandley. He had managed to push him far away back into the depth of his sub consciousness for a while now, but he hadn’t been able to get rid of him entirely. He was always just kind of…there. In short, it was driving him mad. But he said none of that, because words would not have been enough to express his utter and complete despair about those uncontrollable feelings his body and sub consciousness were forcing on him. He couldn’t help it and took Chandley clearly by surprise as he cupped the blonde boy’s face and leaned forward until their lips met. Just like that. In front of everyone else on the dance floor.

Chandley, who was flinching as Matt’s hands came near his face, felt the burning sensation of Matt’s stubble around his mouth first and his soft lips starting to move carefully, longingly waiting for Chandley to react second. And, of course, he did. As soon as the first shock had worn off and his mind had convinced him that even if this was just a dream, he had a duty to his body to give in completely, regardless of the possible consequences.

His hands found support on Matt’s shoulders as he got on his tiptoes to enjoy the whole depth of the kiss to the fullest before he woke up and all of this would most likely be over. But not yet. Definitely not yet. He felt Matt’s hands slipping down his neck, his shoulders, his arms, his waist, his hips…slow enough to imprint every frame of his touch on Chandley’s body to remember for eternity. Here, they finally came to a rest. Unlike their kiss that was far from slowing down, let alone coming to an end. They started swaying to the rhythm of their kiss, smoothly joining the other couples while dancing to their own music of clashing lips and short gasps of hot breath in between.

Slow dancing was easier than waltzing, because you could make up your own steps as you went along. The right partner would hear the same music and know those exact same secret steps and adjust his own to match yours, so that nobody watching from the outside would have ever guessed that none of these movements had been planned out or arranged beforehand. They had never been written down, but merely existed in their heads. And they just fit.

If Chandley had been able to actually listen to the lyrics of the infamous last song that was still playing on, he would’ve finally understood why it worked so well among the swaying couples despite its style and rhythm being rather unusual for a slow dance.

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end…